When you are overwhelmed have you thought about finding another job, going to live on a tropical island or letting go of something else you love in order to have time for your family, friends and self-care?

Although the tropical island sounds very appealing these strategies aren’t necessarily long term solutions because you may end up in a similar situation all over again.

Thank goodness there are some other options to support you! What I’ve found to be true is I don’t need to be all knowing nor do I need to search for all the answers for someone coming to me for help.

What you do need to do is build trust, be empathic and connect people to resources.

Let’s look at how you are offering support now. Do you find yourself taking on the problems that are brought to you? Do you try and solve things that aren’t in your area of expertise? Do you think you need to have or find all the answers?

If you answered yes to any of those questions here are some options to mull over.

Your role could be to connect the employee or client to the resources they need to solve their problem. You may be the resource sometimes but my guess is often you may not be. You are the connector.

To connect the person and their problem to a solution or next step you need to hone your listening skills. As you listen to the story you support them to get clarity about exactly what it is they need. Once you clarify the need the strategies will begin to come clear.

The first strategy is to direct them back to themselves. Asking them “What do you think a next step would be?” Often you will find when people are listened to and supported to gain clarity they know their own next step. Guide them back to themselves and empower them to step into what they already know.

If they can’t think of a next step offer to brainstorm with them. Begin putting forward some ideas and they will join you. In a short period of time they can leave your office with some options to explore.

If neither of you can think of any specific strategies take time to consider what other resources could support them. Is there someone you know that is an expert in this area? Are there books, online resources, or a class that might offer them new tools? More than likely they will have a next step planned after considering these questions.

When you take on others problems or believe you have to have all the answers you wear yourself out. There are lots of challenges in the world. Honing your listening skills and supporting others to feel empowered to help themselves can actually feel energizing.

Consider exploring these options and let me know how it goes. I would love to hear from you. Your questions, feedback or comments are welcome!

If you think this article may support someone you know please feel free to forward this to them.

Throughout my life, I have repeatedly witnessed people telling one another what is ‘so’ for them, passing judgment, asserting opinions, etc. I’ve even had it happen to me and quite frankly, it still does. Because human beings learn through experience, it didn’t take long for me to act this way with the people around me. If I saw someone do something I thought was wrong or ineffective, I very quickly jumped in with my own opinion because I ‘knew’ a better way. Now, in no way am I suggesting we don’t have good ideas or intentions; of course we do. My point is we can no longer interact like this with one another and still create the lives and world we say we want!

I see people all around me stepping out, leading with their heart and following a path into a more expansive life; yet, there are those (and there probably always will be a handful of) folks who doubt, question, judge and assert alternatives to the ones truly creating their life. The challenge is to actually consider what ‘they’ say and not dismiss it. Keep in mind, there is wisdom all around us even with the naysayers. Our job is to do more than just listen to the words; it’s to embrace it as an opportunity to try ‘them’ on, reflect, look for the bigger meaning and whatever you do, don’t stop walking your walk. In doing so, you’ve empowered the experience with the other person (you’ve turned his or her judgment into an observation) and used it to grow. Who cares if there’s nothing useful, you’ve still grown just in the shifting of your context. Plus, you are carving away at a belief system, and determining what works and what doesn’t in order to truly define you!

The definition of ‘definition’:
1) the act of defining or making definite, distinct, or clear.
2) the formal statement of the meaning or significance of a word, phrase, etc

Who are you? Are you the flaky friend; the mentally broken mom; the really cool cousin; the supermom; or the……..??? You see, the list will go on much like the song that never ends. Now, as for me? I am not a label for starters. I am not a business owner; an Aromatherapist; a CDA; an instructor; a crazy loon; a troublesome daughter, annoying sister, strict mom, etc. I am love. I am patience. I am enthusiasm. I am inspiration. I am trust. I am confidence. I am…..

I must say, it took me a while to really detach from everything I’ve ever been born into, married into, gone to school to become, received a certificate for, or was called due to a misunderstanding. From the time I was 3, I knew I was so much more. I felt contained within my body and longed for someone to give me some idea about what was going on! Well, being 3, you’d think my parents would lend a hand in this department. Sadly, they did not. Well, it was sad for only a small portion of my life because I was determined TO understand. Luckily, I was adventurous with a great appreciation for mystery (always loved my ‘Nancy Drew’ books); so, I made it my mission in life to get to the heart of this energy they named ‘Tammy’.

And what a journey it’s been. If I had continued to ‘own’ the labels I’d been handed, I couldn’t possibly feel the joy and elation for life that I do and all the opportunities I’m presented with on a daily basis i.e. sitting outside to gaze at the stars! I’d still be to worried about being society’s definition of a good mom. This is where I ask, who came up with those definitions AND why do we adhere to them? What constitutes being a good mom? And before I continue, I’m aware that we have our fair share of abuse in this world; however, I’m not talking about that. I’m referring to the countless moms who bend over backwards to make sure their duties are seen to before engaging in anything else that doesn’t involve cooking, cleaning, homework, reading, brushing teeth, bathing and so on; yet I wonder, if we’re committed to changing this world to be heart centered, peaceful and loving, then why aren’t we modeling it?

We’re modeling labels instead. Unfortunately, the people we’re modeling them too are heart centered beings (we’re born that way) and if he or she is a highly sensitive one, then ‘Houston, we have a problem’. I was one of those sensitive and inquisitive creatures. So, my path was a conscious choice AND I learned so much along the way (as I still am). The biggest one is I am NOT what you think I am AND I can be anything I want to be. I am dignity in the face of adversity. I am grace in the face chaos. I am stillness in the face of confusion. I am is what got me here: excited and in love with life. To me, ‘I am’ is a philosophy and when we come from this place, we’re feeling. Look back at the various ‘I am’ statements. Each one describes a feeling and when we allow ourselves to feel, we’re tapping into our divinity and it’s this divinity that guides us on our journey.

In all fairness, I realize it’s not the fastest process to shed the labels nor is it comfortable. So, start with a few; even one and allow yourself to feel what it feels like to not have ‘that’ on your back. I must warn you, the more you allow yourself to feel, the more you want to release; however, from this point forward, please don’t take on the opinions, etc of others. Briefly consider them and learn; that’s it. Remember, letting someone else tell you who you are is crazy making because nobody knows you but you!

Before I close, I wanted to mention that October 7th was the anniversary of Edgar Allen Poe’s passing; in honor of him I share the following quote, from the ‘Tell Tale Heart’. Poe was a gifted writer; yet was labeled crazy. Interestingly, I see him as passion. Two very different considerations; unfortunately, the result of his experience with society crippled his ability to be passion, so he did what he could do to remain connected to his heart which undermineundermined his health. This line tells me, he knew who he was, too!

‘And have I not told you that what you mistake for madness is but over-acuteness of the sense?’

The living dead that I am referring to are people who just exist in today’s society with no aim or purpose in their lives. They are living, but yet dead at the same time (ironic isn’t it?). When you ask them what makes them excited or passionate, a large number of people have forgotten about it. They cite reasons that when they were younger, they had dreams. Some even had ambitions. The sad thing is that after many years of working and climbing the corporate ladder, they looked back and asked themselves “Am I happy and is this life?”

In the book Halftime, it describes that for most people in the first half of their lives, they really work hard to pursue success. Everyone has a different idea of what success looks like. For some it will be money or career, while others it could be about places they have travelled or people they have met. However, when they enter the second half of their lives, they look back at the work of their hands and ask the following fundamental questions: “What have I done so far?” and the usual “Am I contented with it?” They realise that their lives are no longer about pursuing success, it is about pursuing significance.

Here’s my story and journey of how I started my entrepreneur journey:

I started off my career working in an engineering company that was extremely established in Singapore. I was into building automation and served as a project engineer handling building projects. It was something that I could do, in fact, it was something that I was trained well for. I mean, my early years in life was spent on preparing for a job in the engineering sector.

Until something happened. At the age of 26, I started to ask myself a question which all adults actually ask at one point in their lives and that is “what do I really want to do with my life?” It was astonishing simple but yet, it could not be answered at all. I was dumb folded.

This question kept ringing in my head. I actually ignored it, thinking that it will go away. It did go away, only to resurface again a week later, then another week and a couple of days later. It just kept coming back. For some adults, they ignored it to a point where their dreams were drowned by the immediate concerns of providing for the family. I acknowledge that all of us have a responsibility to fulfill to our families, but what has happened to our dreams in the process? Can there be a way to fulfill both at the same time?

It took me a year of soul searching and to constantly ask what I am passionate about? And I finally found it. I discovered that I really love to teach and inspire people towards fun, loving and supportive relationships. Not only I found it, I took massive action towards it. I started asking myself how can I do more of what I am passionate about? Are there groups that I can join to do just that? Is there a career decision that I have to make for that to happen? Can I change my attitude towards life and start taking personal responsibility for all the results that I have been getting? Will I make a firm decision to change my life right now?

Fast forward into the present now. I have traveled to 7 countries so far, conducting training and giving talks on motivation, mindset change and building teams. At a young age, I have spoken to CEOs, directors and people twice my age. I have given keynote speeches in conferences and learning seminars. I have personally trained or spoken to 5400 people. Everything started because I started to find out what makes me excited and alive. So, my question to you is what makes you excited? What makes you feel alive? Will you take some time to list them down? Don’t do it for me, but do it for yourself!

Do read my questions that I have posted earlier here and reflect on it. Take time to clear the clutter off your mind and another 30 minutes to reflect upon it. Do share with me on what you have discovered!

* Assertiveness- A human behavior which shows confidence and the ability to be direct when claiming ones rights or putting forward ones view.

* Aggressiveness – A human behavior which shows a natural disposition to be hostile and arouses thoughts of attack.

Here is a perfect scenario of when a person goes from assertive to aggressive. Now this has happened to us all at some point in life. You have been maintaining a relationship with some one in your work place for quite some time and have held a lot of your thoughts in about how they are treating you and taking advantage of your ability.

Each day you maintain a certain level of assertiveness and always be polite but make them aware of your rights in a pleasant manner. You manage to keep this up for a far while till one day you are there at work and they have done their usual behavior.

Bam, you snap, you have had enough and you let fire all the built up thoughts that have not only made you feel aggressive towards this person, you are now speaking to them and be very rude and obnoxious to them.

It feels so good at the moment of release, this is very short lived, as you this is not the correct manner to behave in.

Is there any way you could of prevented this from happening? When would of been the right time?

Here’s the trick on maintaining good disposition in these kind of situations. You have to always have a high level of assertiveness and use it regularly so not only do you not become aggressive, but others will realize you do not allow them to treat you unfairly or take advantage of you.

Much easier said then done I know for sure, but not impossible. Work situations are great places to practice your assertiveness skills as it is much more difficult for you to show aggressiveness due to the fact you want to keep you job.

While working on your own assertiveness make sure you don’t use your built up aggression on loved ones, they don’t deserve to be the ones you attack due to unreleased anger.

With positive self talk, you can feel more optimistic and positive about life. This requires replacing negative self talk or dialogue with positive self talk. Below are some ways to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. In the following examples of frustrating situations, you can chose to either have positive or negative self dialogue.

•Driving to a job you hate – “It’s not so bad, I only have to be there 8 hours.” “Today will be a good day, I’ll call and old friend at lunch.” “It’s only 3 days until payday.”

•Your child broke his arm at school – “The injury could have been worse.” “I’m so thankful he’s still alive.” “Other kids have had playground injuries that were much worse.”

•You lost money on your stock – “The stock will rise again soon.” “Some people have lost a lot more than me.” “I’ll figure out what went wrong and try again.”

•Your significant other dumped you – “It is better that I know now what he/she was all about.” “I’ll find someone better suited for me.” “It was his/her loss, anyway.” “There are more fish in the sea.”

•You lost your job – “I’ll find a better job.” “Where one door closes, another one opens.” “I’ll find a job I enjoy more.”

Self talk is one of the best ways to help you overcome negativity, and become a more optimistic and happier person. Instead of immediately acting upon the negative in a situation, self talk helps you find the positive in any situation, and concentrate on what you do want, and not what you don’t want. When you practice self talk, overcoming negativity will become a cinch.

Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People: It is unfortunate but many people begin comparing themselves to other people when they are young. Their parents, or other loved ones, will tell them that they are not as good as someone else and that they should strive to be more like them in an effort to get them to improve in behavior or talent.

The problem with this is there will always be people who are better than you at a task, have access to more resources, or are in a better job position. Comparing yourself to others is a self-defeating and unnecessary act. Appreciate your own strengths and good qualities.

Remember Your Successes: Another way you can raise self esteem is to remember when you achieved a goal or had other successes in life. Too often we reflect on the times when we failed and we begin to think that we can do nothing right. The truth is that you have probably had just as many successes in life as you have had failures. Take out a piece of paper and begin writing them down and read them whenever you begin to feel bad about yourself.

Associate with Positive People: Negative people are people who only see what is wrong with the world. If you associate with people who are cynical, pessimistic, and have a bad attitude, you will absorb these traits into yourself. This can lead to judging everything around you as bad including yourself. Instead, associate with positive and supportive people. Their good nature will help you feel better about life and yourself.

Contribute: One of the best ways to improve your self esteem is to make a positive contribution to something. This goes beyond giving money. Volunteering and helping others will help you feel good about the positive difference you are making in other people’s lives. There are plenty of opportunities available. Look around your local area for associations or programs that need an extra set of hands.

It may take a little time before you raise self esteem high enough that it is noticeable. However, with concerted, daily effort you will feel better about yourself before you know it.

The causes of low self confidence or self esteem need to be identified and addressed. But this takes time and work, so what happens when you are in a rush?!

The self esteem boosters below will give you that instant boost you need at the time you need it, and practised regularly, they will begin to change your underlying beliefs.

1. Do something for someone else. There is nothing like the feeling you get from having an impact on someone. If they smile and say thank-you, so much the better, if they don’t, you can still feel good about yourself. Leave a big tip for a waiter, pick your friends kids up from school so she can have a break, pop in to see your elderly aunt who gets few visitors, cook a favourite meal for your partner. It doesn’t have to be something ground breaking, but as a self esteem booster, this is second to none.

2. Do something for you. Especially if you are run ragged looking after everyone else, are too busy to look after yourself properly or are simply down on yourself and feel you aren’t worth it. Laze in a bubble bath with a good book, take half an hour to get a coffee, relax and watch the world go by, treat yourself to a gourmet lunch. Whatever you always promise yourself you will do but don’t get around to. Do it today!

3. Compliment yourself. Look in the mirror and pick out your best feature (Yes, you do have lots of them), smile and say out loud, ‘Kate, you really do have great skin/eyes/smile/feet/legs/whatever you like about yourself. (Obviously use your own name!!) Then move onto to your skills and actions. ‘Kate, you worked so hard at your workout this morning, did a great job with that report, cooked a delicious dinner, dealt really well with that awkward client etc etc’

Simply smiling at yourself is a great self esteem booster.

4. Talk to someone else. Yes self confidence and self esteem should come from within, but sometimes it gives us a bit boost to hear something nice from someone else. Call your mum, partner, best friend, children, and get a little reassurance from them. When you aren’t feeling great about yourself, it can take the viewpoint of someone you care about to put things in perspective and make you realise you really are rather great!

The road to great self confidence and self esteem is hilly, even when we get to the top of the hill and feel great, there will be the odd day when we don’t feel so great about ourselves.

This is completely normal and we should should get on with things, knowing it is just a blip and we soon be back to our normal selves. However it is good to have some tools to deal with those down days – the self esteem boosters can provide a quick pick me up when you need it.

What do you do when you need a quick self esteem boost? Share your tips with others below

Wanting produces tension and a state of discomfort. When we get what we think we want, there is momentary relief of that tension and discomfort. This causes us to believe that satisfying our desire is the route to happiness. But soon we begin to want more, which propels us back into the state of discomfort and dissatisfaction. This wrong concept follows us throughout life. In Eastern disciplines, it is known as the Maya trap; and indeed, it is a trap because it snares many of us from birth to death.

I have often spoke about how people always are trying to get something as a means of finding happiness. I like to described how little children think that when they are big, then they will be happy. When they get candy, then they will be happy. When they start school, then they will be happy. When they get a bicycle, then they will be happy. When they graduate, then they will be happy. When they get a car, then they will be happy. When they find a girlfriend or a boyfriend, then they will be happy. Next, it is when they get into college, then they will be happy. When they graduate, then they will be happy. When they get a job, then they will be happy. When they get married, then they will be happy. When they have children, then they will be happy; when the children are grown and leave home, then they will be happy; when they retire, then they will be happy. Finally they retire, and in six months, they are so bored they go back to work.

Sadly, many never learn that you cannot get happiness; it is the by-product of giving. We have all heard that it is better to give than to receive, but we lose sight of this almost as soon as we hear it.

Some have everything but happiness while others have nothing but happiness. Who has more? Our formula might dictate that the easiest way to become a saint, and enjoy greater peace and happiness, is to care and do for those who have nothing to give in return. By eliminating the possibility of worldly reward, we eliminate the thought and therefore the desire to receive anything in return.

Witness Mother Teresa helping the dying in the streets of Calcutta. They had little or nothing to give in return. While appreciation always is welcome, it is probable she did not even seek that. If appreciation were her goal, she might never have reached such heights.

Having does not preclude happiness, but attachment does. Avoiding ownership removes the possibility of attachment to objects, but there can still be attachment to rituals and even man-made religious practices that are not from scripture.

The closer we approach total love directed outward, with no energy moving back to the self, the brighter our auras become. This is in keeping with the words I heard during the night, “The aura is the edge of the soul.” It makes sense that this is so. When we love, we are more like holy people, and our auras brighten. Could this explain the concept of drawing energy from the soul? Love provides energy. When we do something for someone else, which is love, we are more likely to succeed.

Athletes sometimes perform beyond their capabilities by dedicating an event to a deceased teammate or to a child dying of cancer. Many mothers conquer life-threatening conditions because they have a child who needs them.

It is only when we approach total love, with no attachment to anything, that we approach the incredible fountain-of-youth vision I was given one night, in which a holy man appeared, from whom flowed a beautiful fountain of love energy, depicted as light and extending arm’s length from the body from above the head and flowing downward. This love energy is the life force itself, which likely accounts for the extreme longevity among many of the persons in the Bible from millennia past, and for the longevity anticipated by Christians during the thousand-year period following Christ’s return when total peace and love are to prevail.