Posts tagged Circumstances
Are You Learning From Your Mistakes?
Oct 9th
“There is luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves we feel no one else has the right to blame us.” Oscar Wilde
How many of you like to make mistakes? No one? Oh, why not? Perhaps it has to do with the belief that mistakes are bad, wrong and usually full of negative consequences. Well, let me tell you a little story.
I recently had the opportunity to make a very big mistake. And, without going in to detail, I can assure you it hurt. I hurt myself, people involved and even people not involved. It also had negative consequences. I was still in the midst of recovery from the consequences of my mistake when I realized I had a lot of choices. Would I wait to admit my faults or admit them right away? Was I going to use this incident to understand myself better and learn a new behavior or was I going to repeat the same pattern over and over? Was I going to beat myself up or was I going to lovingly hold myself accountable? Was I going to eat myself into numbness or was I going to stay conscious with my feelings of discomfort? Well, it seemed easy to say yes to the latter part of all these choices. However, saying it is almost always easier than doing it.
I decided I would lovingly hold myself accountable. This mistake uncovered a pattern I was unwilling to look at before. It was one of those gray areas I rationalized away. But, this time, I lovingly took my somewhat scared self by the hand and started the clean-up.
Mistakes are a wonderful opportunities to learn and grow. Because of the many negative experiences we have with mistakes – especially when we are children – we do not value mistakes. Some of you may actually hate to make mistakes. As adults we try to avoid them. We try to pretend there is perfection in the world. We try to shape our environment exactly the way we want it. We are afraid to change our environment because it will change our patterns, circumstances and relationships. Change is frightening. We tell ourselves we may not be able to handle change and we may find things are more comfortable left covered.
I encourage you to foster a new attitude toward mistakes. Allow yourself to learn from your mistakes. Play with mistakes. Make little mistakes and see how you feel when you make them. Perfection is only in our imagination. The world is constantly changing and so are you. Let go of old ways and allow the light to shine into the parts of yourself about which you feel less proud. It is only when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable that we will heal.
I Hate My Face
Oct 8th
While I wrote the statement, “I only wonder who the people we want to be like want to be like” in the first paragraph of my article, How to be yourself; I was reminded of an event that changed my outlook about life permanently while I was on campus some years back. I had a very beautiful friend, Oluchi, who was and still is the most beautiful woman I ever stood next to. She was indeed a traffic-stopping attraction/distraction – depending on who is looking of course. You know what I mean? I’m certain the angels envy her.
While we walk towards the bus top one Saturday afternoon by the male’s hostel, which was much dreaded by many ladies because of the manner lots of guys will gaze and make naughty comments aimed at destabilizing the ladies while they have fun laughing their asses out, Oluchi told me how nervous she felt. “I wish I could just snap and disappear from here.” She said clearing her voice to maintain her poise.
I told her it was only natural given the circumstances. We walked on a few steps and she said in her tiny voice, “Gideon, can I tell you something?” A little surprised at her question, “You can tell me anything” I responded. She stopped, looked me in the eyes and said, “I hate my face.” I just chuckled and moved on, thinking to myself what sort of joke. “You know, I’m serious!” she affirmed. “No, you are kidding” I responded without even thinking. Oluchi doubles her pace and walked passed me, obviously disappointed at my response. I was puzzled, and since my thoughts were underdeveloped at the time, I couldn’t help but wonder if she had ever used a mirror. How could such a beauty hate her face? Later on, Oluchi expressed her wish to look entirely differently.
Like me, perhaps you also wonder why Oluchi hated her pretty face. But she’s not alone. Aren’t you too dissatisfied with some things about the way you look? Sincerely, don’t you wish your parents were not fat, so you wouldn’t have inherited the fat DNA? Or wouldn’t you prefer it if your nose was a bit smaller or your ears closer to your head? What about the color of your eyes, your height, shape of your head…. Are they as perfect as you will wish for?
While growing up I always wanted to be 6 feet tall, though I liked my lean body. I prayed for a miracle that will add the needed 2 inches to my 5’10″ height. I even ate more beans despite my hatred for them because my tall brother once told me his secret was “Lots of beans”. I only bloated afterwords, the 2 inches miracle never came! It was a vain wish, comical in retrospect, but painful at the time.
Modern science has tremendously helped in altering people’s looks. Manufacturers spend their best resources and energies employing experts to work out brilliant, age-defying, bio-synthetic, risk-free formulas to recreate/reconstruct people’s critical body parts and make them look, feel and function better. Some people have succeeded in altering their looks partly, while other, entirely. A lot of who looked much better afterword while a few ended up like our legendary Michael Jackson. But all the same, they’ve successfully modified themselves – skin deep! Thanks to science.
I’ve come to feel strongly that there is a need for self-acceptance, no matter how you look. I don’t mean to minimize your right to look the way you choose. In fact, I recommend that you do your best to look the best. But above this, you need to accept your uniqueness as a strength, and fully understand that the real you isn’t how you look, it is rather who you really are, which cannot be revealed by any mirror.
Looks are but a little fragment of the things people wish to change in their lives. I’ve only narrowed down the human fantasies to just looks in order to illustrate a point; to resolve situations superficially, without fixing the deeper and more tender factors is to treat an effect, overlooking the cause. Chronic underlying problems deepens if tackled from outside in. Tackling issues like poor self-esteem in a deep and lasting way can only come from inside out. Simply put, skin deep therapies do not resolve hard-core problems. Ever!
No scientific inventions can change who we really are – our DNA, history and identity. No makeup or make over can conceal our fears.
Plastic surgery can make Oluchi look differently; it can’t make her feel differently. What she needs, like you and I is a mental surgery – the awareness of who we really are, and the acceptance of our individuality.
