happiness

I hate it when it happens; an epiphany occurs that changes my world. No, it’s not the actual “ah ha” moment, that I despise, it’s what I’ve been doing before the sudden revaluation that makes me angry, sad, and regretful.

Some of my “inner circle” of friends knows that people and I don’t get along. I get frustrated at individuals being too open or too closed, too rich or too poor, too….well, you get the picture, but very few people understand how everything got started and has been the focal point of my attention throughout most of my life.

It may look like I have it all together, but I don’t (a slight chuckle ensues). I’ve had to deal with the fact that I have abandonment issues. Yep, I said it, abandonment issues…so suit me up for a 12 step program and a friendly “hello, my name is Robert”. I didn’t go the route of therapy or drugs but instead chose to construct coping techniques that kept me afloat throughout the greatest portion of my life.

Did they work…the strategies I mean…..well, at the time, yes, but now…no.

My fear of being abandoned made me possessive and in the end, most of my relationships ended up with me feeling unloved and paranoid that the person “didn’t like me” or, in the case of my past relationships, getting into arguments about “are you cheating on me”, or “do you REALLY love me?”

As if this wasn’t bad enough, I fell into an abusive relationship that entailed physical, psychological, and economic beatings. Yep, you heard it here; a man getting beat up by a girl, but it happened and happens to many men throughout the country.

On top of the past abandonment issues, I created coping techniques in dealing with my abusive ex, and did they work…well, at the time, yes, but now…no.

When you rely on survival techniques that you had to utilize for one time in your life, as a template for the entirety of your life, you will never truly live, just exist.

These issues have caused strain on my marriage, but my wife, being the good woman that she is, and having gone through the valley of abuse herself, understands, but it’s no excuse for me to have my personal demons visit her, or my new life.

Let’s fast-forward a bit to Sunday, August 1st 2010.

I was tearing down the equipment for Sunday’s service at Wesley. My mind was on its usual thought process…how can I increase my wealth…how can I get more money. Most of you reading this have thought this a time or two in your life, and you may be thinking about it right now. Don’t worry, the answer is coming.

….and then, it happened…..the epiphany.

Throughout my life, I had actually gained a great amount of financial wealth, but frittered it away simply because I didn’t know the proper mindset of money and how to manage it, but in digging into those memories, I realized a great big fat truth that was staring me in the face for decades but I was too thick-headed to realize it.

I didn’t actually gain money…I gained relationships with people…that was the big secret that I’d missed. To gain true wealth, I needed to invest in humanity, not run after a paycheck.

I started to re-examine other situations where I gained financially…from music, to business and I saw the trend.

In music, I’ve had several paid singing roles, not because I was the best in the world…heck no…it was because I was easy to work with, I created a relationship with directors, conductors, soloists, & groups. The secondary benefit from this was money in my pocket, but the main prize was a relationship with people….THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!!!

I struggle financially and there was an instance where I couldn’t make a payment to attend a certain function. A close friend of mine, who enjoyed my company, gave me the money so I could go. Did I ask for it…no, but the relationship that I had built over the course of several months moved this person to help.

So, what am I saying? Should you seek personal relationships for financial gain, ABSOLUTELY NOT!! You seek them because everyone deserves to have special people in their lives; people to lean on when you need help, or to share your joys. I deserve to have those people in my life and I’m going to treat them like gold.

Technology will change, books will be written, and social media will ebb and flow, but the connections with people will always be needed. Seek that out and the rest will fall into place.

My past is just that, my past. I don’t use it as a crutch, but I gratefully struggle with its teachings. I am a greater man because of my effort and a much better individual because I’ve chosen a wealthy mindset…to invest in humanity once again.